At 11:40pm on April 14, 1912 the RMS Titanic struck an iceberg on its maiden voyage. Two hours and forty minutes later it sank, taking 1,517 people with her. A total of 705 survivors in eighteen lifeboats were picked up the next morning by the RMS Carpathia.
The tragic story of the Titanic is a microcosm of the failure of the capitalist system. More than two-thirds of the passengers died because the greedy Whitestar owners of the Titanic cared more about profits than safety. This could never have happened in a socialist system, where stringent governmental oversight would have forced the selfish capitalists to provide enough lifeboats for everyone.
Secure in the knowledge of the superiority of the socialist model, I confidently boarded Titanic II on the morning of April 11, 2020. We sailed from New York harbor, tracing the course of the original Titanic in the opposite direction. Aboard were 2,100 passengers and crew, less than the original Titanic, but the maximum number allowed, thanks to regulations insisting that the numbers aboard not exceed the capacity of our thirty lifeboats, each capable of carrying seventy people.
Unfortunately, at the exact time and place of the first Titanic, we hit an iceberg and immediately began to sink. It seems that the radar operator mistook an iceberg for a speck of mushroom pizza he thought had splattered on his screen while he was eating. Not to worry. Being a socialist ship, Titanic II was well equipped in the event of disaster. An immediate distress call went out and the crew began to prepare the lifeboats for boarding.
As the boats were being uncovered, it was discovered that six of the thirty sported the familiar blue and white symbols, for the exclusive use of the handicapped. But on the passenger lists there weren’t enough certified handicapped aboard to completely fill even one of the special boats. A white, middle-aged passenger, well known for his radical, right-wing extremist views, came up with a predictably absurd, discriminatory answer.
“Forget the regulations. Just fill the lifeboats and get off the ship.”
A more constructive suggestion came from a former Obama administration official from Chicago. “Why don’t we just break three hundred legs to satisfy the legal requirement?”
Alas! His excellent idea fell apart when it was discovered that one cannot be certified handicapped without a special card issued by his or her respective state. Such issuances normally take six weeks to procure—not enough time for Titanic II. The crew therefore had no alternative but to cut away all but one of the handicapped boats and cast them adrift.
As the handicapped were being loaded aboard the sixth boat, it was pointed out that it was unfair to save all handicapped persons at the expense of persons from other interest groups. The case was hotly debated and finally taken to a Supreme Court justice who happened to be aboard. After considerable deliberation, she came down on the side of fairness. The crew subsequently unloaded the handicapped boat and cast it adrift, bringing us down to twenty-four lifeboats.
It was then discovered that through an unfortunate oversight, twelve of the remaining twenty-four boats lacked the latest in required safety features; condoms, clean needles, and a Kevorkian device. Neither were any of the boats equipped with gender neutral restrooms. The same right-wing lunatic, in callous disregard for passenger safety, again posited that we forget the regulations and fill the lifeboats. He was roundly condemned for his divisive hate speech. Lifeboats lacking proper survival equipment and with only sexist restrooms are not safe, not legal, and not insured.
At this moment the captain, a chronologically challenged, veteran seaperson, gave an equally absurd order, “Women and children first.”
This of course, being blatantly sexist, caused him to be summarily relieved of his command. He was replaced by a well-known, common sense socialist government official.
Just past midnight Titanic II received the first response to its distress call—from the Internal Revenue Service, which reported that four hundred and thirty-three Americans aboard had yet to file their 2019 income tax returns. They were therefore ineligible to board a lifeboat until they had done so. We were assured that a special helicopter carrying convenient tax forms was even then on its way to our distressed ship.
A spirited debate ensued about who should board the remaining twelve lifeboats. A special lifeboat was allotted for members of the LBGT community, but they threatened to smash the remaining boats if they weren’t blended with everyone else at a one to four ratio. Hispanics, African Americans, Asians, Native Indigenous people, and white racists also jockeyed for fair representation in the lifeboats.
Finally, Titanic II just sank, taking everyone aboard with it, myself excepted. Being an IRS agent and therefore essential to the economic well-being of our society, I was thrown a rope from the helicopter.
Some might be tempted to call this event tragic. Nothing could be further from the truth. Because everyone drowned equally, the essential principle of equal treatment for all was upheld to its highest standard. It also helped ease the strain upon our beleaguered environment by the reduction of 2,099 polluters.
Nevertheless, this incident does compel us to make certain changes for the future.
- All passengers must be vetted beforehand to ensure that their latest income tax returns have been filed and that they owe no money to the IRS.
- Dangerous right-wing agitators, the main source of confusion aboard Titanic II, must be placed on a national “no sail” list.
- Even at the risk of offending the Italian members of our society, federal regulations banning mushroom pizza from ocean liner radar rooms is imperative.
We’ll get this right. I have complete faith in the superiority of the socialist model.
